If my social media friends are any measure of the tone of the rest of our country, many parents struggled to get out of bed this morning, drop their kids off at school, and trust that such tragedies are unlikely to happen to their own kids. To reassure ourselves, we embrace change in a system that is changeable. What is wrong with the system that allows such atrocities to happen and what measures can we take to fix those wrongs and prevent such events from re-occurring.
Blaming and changing is a part of the grief process, and it's what allows us to continue to function amidst otherwise unbearable sadness and grief. We read and watch stories on the media, feel passionate, express our opinions, and hopefully initiate change. We respect those who are directly suffering loss by fighting to make a difference. We assure the victims, their families, and ourselves that we are in this together. We regain a sense of control of our situation. While we may not all agree on the politics of how to elicit change, we are not willing to accept Newtown Connecticut's tragedy as a normal way of life for citizen's of this country. This we agree on.
Through this process of grief and change, it is of great importance to Port Townsend Family Therapy to help families of young children who are struggling with how to feel safe again in their communities and how to come to an appropriate amount of understanding over what occurred. The following resource was supplied through the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy) by Dr. Karen Ruskin, a Clinical Fellow of the AAMFT, to help parents help their children cope with this tragedy:
- Answer any and all questions your children have. Nothing is off the table. If you don’t have the answer be honest and tell them you will research the answer and get back to them.
- Be verbally attentive, physically affectionate, and nurturing in tone during your talk.
- Talk with not at your children.
- Discuss and educate them about mental illness.
- Reassure the low likelihood of this type of tragedy happening to them while balancing validation of the reality that it did and does happen.
- Ask them what they need to feel safe, and what you can do to help them to feel safe.
- Balance the worry and pain kids feel with a discussion of what they can do to help those who have been affected, and continue to be supportive of activities they enjoy doing so their entire mind is not on the tragedy 24/7. The balance of living life while mourning is just that- a balance, and yet it is important for children and parents to continue to live knowing that does not disrespect the honor of those who are no longer living among us.
- Some kids are chattier than others. Don’t assume because there are no questions your children are fine, nor assume because they are talking about it they are not fine. No assumptions, parents. Rather meet your kids on their terms, on their level, and continue to keep the line of communication open. What your children do not wish to discuss one moment in the day they may wish to at a different moment. Check in on them.
- Normalize what they are feeling, re-assure them that their thoughts and feelings are normal.
- Display strength and calm, and remember, how you act is a role model for them. How you react affects how they feel and thus act.
It is important to note that if you are struggling as a parent with finding ways to help your children cope with this tragedy, it may be helpful to seek assistance from a mental health professional in your community.
